National Leather Association–International
Cynthia Slater Non-fiction Article Award
This post originally appeared October 12, 2013 on BDSM Book Reviews.
Included in Chapter Four of Connecting to Kink
Power dynamics have interesting implications. What some Doms do to control; others require their submissive to perform as a service.
When I had a convertible, I always drove my own car. I enjoyed the turbo charged engine and its ability to take curves at high speeds. I never let anyone else behind the wheel of that car, and my submissive rode with me as a passenger. But, when I traded my sports car in on a sedate sedan, the dynamic changed. Driving became boring, so now my submissive chauffeurs me. It’s another way he serves me.
This implication can often be seen in D/s sexual interactions. When it comes to sex, women tops and bottoms often have something in common, besides the obvious. Although the context differs depending on their position in the D/s dynamic, many women abdicate the responsibility for their pleasure to their partners.
In some M/f relationships I’ve observed, the male puts a fair amount of effort into his submissive’s orgasms, whether it’s devising diabolical rape scenes or training her to come on voice command.
At the other end of the dynamic, some FemDoms expect their submissives to serve them by providing them with sexual pleasure — whether it’s fetish-related such as foot worship or actual intercourse, often of the oral variety.
In either dynamic, the genitalia of the submissive may be considered owned by the Dominant. But, attitudes toward their possessions differ greatly.
In both cases, Dominants might enjoy tormenting their toys’ sexual equipment. But, the male Dom may take pleasure in forcing his girl to come over and over again until she can’t breathe while the FemDom asserts control by prohibiting her boy from having an orgasm.
This dichotomy is especially observable in chastity devices. The male apparatus prevents him from having an erection and therefore, in most cases, an orgasm. The female restraint only obstructs penetration.
Now both top and bottom females may be very explicit about what they want, what arouses them, and what they find distasteful. And, of course the turn ons and offs are likely to be diametric opposites. But, even if they’re very explicit about their likes and dislikes, many women prefer giving their partner control over whether or not, and how often, they come.
Personally, I can’t comprehend why any woman would surrender her sexual pleasure to another, even if it’s someone who works hard to satisfy her. I wonder if women do so because society considers female sexuality subservient to male’s. Or are women hesitant to take control of their sexual pleasure because society dictates negative connotations for women who enjoy sex?
Who takes responsibility for female orgasms in your relationship and how does that impact your D/s dynamic?